Upon Reflection
by queenofquincy
Summary: Julian and Elim work through the fall-out from Julian's disastrous trip to the alternate dimension. Epilogue to A Light in the Mirror.


Julian didn't want to talk about it.

Of course, that wasn't really an option. You don't get to pop into an alternate dimension and reappear again with no explanation, especially if you were an officer in Starfleet. Once he and Kira were safely back aboard Deep Space Nine, they gave Captain Sisko a basic outline of what had happened – the state of affairs on the other side, their internment in the alternate version of the station, and their subsequent escape. However, he and Kira both avoided going into detail. Their full debriefing would thankfully not be for another few days, and until then, they were relieved of duty. He knew he couldn't avoid talking about it forever, but for now, he didn't want to think about it at all.

He talked to Miles and Jadzia briefly; he could hardly avoid it, seeing as they were there when he boarded the station. Thankfully, they both seemed to respect his request to have some time to himself. When he got back to his quarters, he didn't even make it to the bedroom; instead, he collapsed on his sofa. There were a lot of things he ought to do. He needed to check into sickbay to assess his health, but since he was chief medical officer, that was easily avoided. He ought to get out of his ill-fitting clothes and take a shower; he should probably eat.

He should also talk to Elim. He was probably worried.

With great effort, he managed to get undressed and get in the shower. He felt marginally better once he was clean and in his own clothing again. He replicated some soup and ate it very slowly. When he was finished, he stared at the empty bowl. Elim had probably heard what had happened by now; he always had his ear to the ground, and it wasn't like something like this would be kept quiet. He was probably wondering why Julian hadn't contacted him yet. He really, really should call him.

Instead, he decided to take a nap. He was tired. Surely Elim would be understanding. He crawled into bed and fell instantly asleep.

He was woken by his door chiming; blearily, he stumbled out of bed and pulled on a robe. "Who is it?" he called once he'd made it to the front room.

"It's Elim."

His first reaction was panic, followed by furious anger that his first reaction was panic. He should be happy, or relieved, or any number of other emotions, but certainly not panicked. That was completely irrational. This was _his_ Elim, not the other one.

After a few calming breaths, he opened the door. It was most definitely his Elim standing there. (_Of course it is_, he reminded himself. The other Elim couldn't have possibly followed him here – could he?) He was dressed in his usual colorful suit. There was a needle pinned on the inside of one sleeve; his Elim often forgot to take it off when he was finished working at his entirely safe, cozy tailor shop. He wore no armor, held no weapon, and the look on his face was one of concern.

But the eyes were the same – that piercing blue gaze that made him feel like he was being pinned down and examined. Julian didn't used to mind it; he liked that Elim found him so fascinating. But now, that gaze reminded him of the other Elim's unwavering stare which reflected not fascination, but instead consuming obsession that threatened to devour him whole.

"Hello," Julian managed.

"Hello yourself," Elim said, the concern obvious in his voice. "Are you all right?"

"Yes – I'm just a little tired."

Elim did not look any less concerned. "May I come in?"

"Of course," Julian said, stepping out of the way.

He wasn't sure what to do once Elim was in the room. "Sorry," he said finally. "I'm still not completely awake." He tried smiling, but he wasn't sure how successful he was. "How are you?"

"How am _I_?" Elim asked. "Oh, I'm fine, I suppose. I've had a few challenging customers this past week; I spilled some kanar on my favorite trousers. Oh yes, and my lover was sucked into an alternate dimension and forced into slavery, and he's been back on the station for over sixteen hours and hasn't contacted me."

Julian winced. "So you heard what happened."

"The basics, yes."

Had it really been sixteen hours? Julian must have slept longer than he thought. "I was going to contact you," he said. "But I fell asleep. To be honest, I'm still tired, so maybe you could come back in the morning..."

Elim looked hurt. "Do you really want me to leave?"

_No. Yes._ Julian sighed. "I'm sorry. I just – can't talk about it right now. Please. I can't."

In two steps, Elim was at his side. He put his arms around Julian. "So let's not talk about it," he said gently, and pulled him in for a kiss. Instantly, Julian's fear melted. There was no one in any universe who could kiss him like his Elim kissed him. The relief made him nearly collapse in Elim's arms. It wasn't as if he thought the other Elim had followed him – not really. But it was nice to be sure.

They made their way back to the bedroom. Elim lowered Julian to the bed with exceptional gentleness, kissing him the whole time. Julian was the one who pulled back first in order to take off his robe. Elim followed suit and removed his shirt. When they came together again, Julian couldn't suppress a small laugh.

Elim smiled. "What is it, my darling?"

"I'm just really happy to see you," he said. He pulled Elim's head down and they lost themselves in another kiss.

The wonderful thing about his Elim was that he always knew what Julian needed. He knew when to be bold, and when to let Julian take the lead. He knew when Julian wanted things heavy and rough, and when he wanted it sweet and gentle. And right now, he knew that Julian desperately needed to be taken care of. He used his hands and his mouth to create the perfect blend of pleasure and comfort that allowed Julian to shut his brain off completely. He forgot the past week and spent a glorious half-hour simply feeling safe and loved.

After it was over, he leaned against Elim's chest as Elim slowly stroked his hair. Reality began to creep back in. He still didn't want to talk about what had happened, but he didn't like the feeling of it hanging over his head, either. "How much do you know?" Julian asked eventually.

"Not much," Elim said. "Just that you and the Major ended up in an alternate dimension in which this station was still an ore refinery. The Bajorans were in league with the Klingons and Cardassians, and the Terrans were enslaved. I heard that the other version of Kira was the controlling force of the station, and quite a different individual from the brave and noble Kira of our side."

"That's an understatement," Julian muttered. He force himself to continue. "There was another Elim Garak there as well."

Elim's hand paused almost imperceptibly before ressuming his soothing strokes. "Oh?"

"Yes. He was a Gul. Second-in-command, actually. He was in charge of 'keeping order,' which meant brutally torturing Terrans and working them to death."

Elim kissed his forehead. "It's a good thing you're back with your plain and simple tailor," he said.

It was the same teasing they always engaged in, but Julian found himself irritated by it. "I slept with him," he said.

Elim stopped stroking his hair. "He forced you?"

"No. I was willing."

"So you're joking, then."

"Why would I joke about something like that?" Julian said, sitting up.

"I don't know, but that seems more likely than you actually sleeping with someone who tortured and enslaved you!"

Julian grabbed his robe and put it back on. "It was more complicated than that. He didn't torture me. He saved me from a near-fatal beating."

"Oh, well, in that case, of course you had to sleep with him."

Julian was surprised by the petulance in his voice. Garak was many things, but childish wasn't generally one of them. "Don't tell me you're jealous."

"I'm not jealous. I'm merely pointing out that there are other ways to express gratitude. A handshake, for example – I've always thought that was a lovely Terran custom. You didn't have to drop your trousers."

Julian was momentarily stunned. "That is _not_ fair," he said when he recovered. "When we got together, you not only gave me permission to sleep with other people, but you very nearly made me swear I would!"

"I had in mind beautiful young ensigns, or handsome traveling businessmen, _not_ sadistic torturers! What were you thinking, putting yourself in such a vulnerable position with someone like that? Do you have an ounce of sense in your head?"

"I didn't know what he was when I agreed to it! He told me he detested the conditions of the station, but was helpless to improve them."

"And you believed him?"

"Yes, Elim, I believed him," Julian spat. "He obviously had a past, and he was at best morally ambiguous, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. How very stupid of me."

The barb struck. "Perhaps you're right," he said eventually. "Maybe you ought to be more careful. No one would blame you." He picked up his trousers from the floor and put them on. "Perhaps I should go."

Julian sighed, feeling both guilty and annoyed. He didn't feel like dealing with Elim's low self-esteem on top of everything else. He almost said as much, but he also didn't feel like fighting, even if that line about dropping his trousers had been particularly nasty. "Don't go," he said. "Now that we've hurt each others' feelings, let's try discussing this like rational adults, shall we?"

Elim softened as well. "That sounds like a marvelous idea. Perhaps over a drink – I know I could certainly use one."

Julian went to the dining room while Elim finished getting dressed. Julian knew that there were good reasons that the replicators weren't programmed to produce alcohol – an unlimited supply of booze was not conductive to keeping order – but it was damnably inconvenient in cases of emergency. He eventually scrounged up a bottle of dessert wine. He didn't know anyone who actually liked the stuff, but bottles of it seemed to spontaneously sprout in everyone's cupboards.

He had just finished pouring them both a glass when Elim emerged, fully dressed. He sat down across from Julian and took his glass. They caught each other grimacing at the wine and smiled a little. Elim was the one to break the silence. "I think perhaps your original instinct to not talk about this was the correct one."

Julian shook his head. "No, we need to. Something that I've learned as a doctor is that you can't heal a wound without cleaning it out first, no matter how painful." Julian drained his glass. "And alcohol is an effective disinfectant, so drink up."

That got a laugh. Elim also finished his drink and let Julian pour him another. "All right, then," he said. "So why did you sleep with him?"

"He really did make a good show of being sorry for what was going on. And he seemed so sad and desperate." Julian remembered his begging the night they were together, and how pitiful he'd seemed. Later on, he thought it must have been an act. Now he wasn't so sure. "I was thinking of you, actually. I thought about your time in the Obsidian Order – what you might have been like back then, and that maybe if someone had given you a chance..." Julian trailed off. "And if you start up on your whole 'I've always been a simple tailor' song and dance I will never speak to you again." He said the last part teasingly, but they both knew he probably meant it.

"So you felt sorry for him," Elim said. He fidgeted with his glass. "I suppose you feel sorry for me?"

"Well – yes, frankly," Julian said. "I'm sorry if that hurts your pride, but I do."

"I don't have any pride left," Elim said stiffly.

"Then why are you looking at me as if I just punched you?"

"All right, perhaps I do," he said. "It's not easy to hear that your lover thinks you're pathetic."

"That isn't what I meant and you know it, and I'm not with you because I pity you. I just think that you haven't had a very happy life, and you've made some questionable decisions that made your life even unhappier. Of course that makes me feel sorry."

"It shouldn't." Elim fidgeted with his glass some more. "Your pity in the other Elim was misplaced, I take it?"

"He ended up chaining me to his bed and threatening the lives of everyone on the station if I tried to leave him, so yes, I think I might have been overly generous with my initial assessment."

A look of horror came over Elim's face. "Oh, my darling," he muttered, taking Julian's hand and kissing it. "How did you escape?"

"I didn't, exactly," Julian said. "He let me go."

"I don't understand."

Julian shifted in his seat. How much should he tell him? "He was in love with me," he said. "Or at least he thought he was. I think he wanted to prove it. He saved the other Terrans, too. He helped destroy the whole station." Julian still didn't know what to make of that.

"That does not excuse what he did to you."

"I know that!" Julian said. "It was all just – complicated. That's all I'm saying."

"I see," Elim said. He paused for a moment and then spoke again. "He sends you back, and I greet you with petty jealousy and cutting remarks."

Julian didn't like the grave look that had come over Elim's face. "Yes, well, I'll take a cutting remark over actual threats to cut someone," he said lightly. "And you were right, anyway – it was poor thinking on my part."

"How do you know you aren't making the same mistake with me?"

"Because you're different. I know you are. You wouldn't torture someone for the pleasure of it. You don't destroy people out of malice."

"Why are you so certain?"

Julian threw up his hands in exasperation. "Then tell me why I'm wrong."

"There wouldn't be any point," he said quietly. "I've told you so many lies that you could never trust what I told you was true." He looked grim. "You deserve better."

_You deserve better_. That's what the other Elim had said, too. It was strange to hear those words echoed back.

"I've been more selfish than usual these past few weeks," Elim continued.

Julian looked at him with alarm. He did not like the direction this conversation was heading in. "Oh no," he said. "No, you don't – stop it this instant."

"It's the truth. You do want the truth from me, don't you?"

"You also just told me that I couldn't believe anything you said," Julian pointed out. "So I will do just that and not believe a word out of your mouth from this point on, especially anything along the lines of 'this isn't working out,' or 'I need some time to think.'"

"Then we are at an impasse." Elim kissed his hand again before releasing it. He stood up. "I should go."

Julian stood as well. "No, you should _not_ go!" he said, furious. "I have been through hell this past week; the one thing that I held on to was getting back here to be with _you_. And now you're, what – leaving me? Is that what you're doing?"

"Why didn't you contact me right away?" Elim asked. "If all you wanted was to be back here with me, why did it take you so long to call?"

Julian stuttered for a moment while he tried to explain it. "I just – it's an awkward situation. I didn't know how I was going to explain this all to you, and – "

"And I look like him," Elim finished. "That's why you looked so panicked when you opened the door."

"Only for a moment! And I'm over it now – that should be obvious!"

Elim started for the door, but Julian stopped him, launching himself into his arms and kissing him. Elim kissed him back, but only for a moment. "Oh my darling," he said, still holding Julian in his arms. "If someone as wretched as that Elim had the courage to let you go, then what excuse do I have?"

"Why would you need to let me go? That doesn't make any sense."

"Being with me comes with certain risks – "

"Everything comes with risks!" Julian interrupted. "I'm a bloody Starfleet officer – I can handle risk."

" – and beyond that, there is no changing my past. It will always be with us. We've only been at this a few weeks. Do you think you can deal with a lifetime of my past weighing you down? Do you think you can be happy with someone you can't trust?"

After a moment, Julian said, "But I do trust you." He'd waited a beat too long, though, and they both felt it.

Elim kissed him one last time. "Liar," he said. He didn't sound angry or demeaning – just sad. He gently pried himself away from Julian. "And now I really must go, my dear. You look tired; you should rest. We can talk more later."

This was not ending how Julian wanted it to, but what more could he do? He'd already made an idiot of himself. Besides, Elim was right – he _was_ tired. "Fine," he said coldly. "Go, then." He went into the bedroom so he wouldn't have to watch him leave.

Miles showed up on his doorstep the next morning. He'd taken the day off and wanted to know if Julian wanted to join him in the holosuites. Julian agreed to it; the wonderful thing about Miles was that he was an expert at Not Talking About Things. Instead, he took Julian through an intensive hiking program that lasted most of the day, which was both vigorous and challenging enough to leave him little energy to feel sorry for himself.

Afterward, they went to Quark's for a game of darts and drinks. Jadzia and Major Kira (_Nierys_, he reminded himself) entered the bar halfway through their third game. They stopped by to say hello; judging by the way Jadzia was looking at him, Nierys obviously wasn't following Julian's stoic strategy. Not that he blamed her – if Jadzia wanted you to talk to her, you didn't have much of a choice in it.

"Mind if we join you?" Jadzia asked. Nierys gave Julian an apologetic look.

"Sure," Miles said. "But weren't not talking about it, just so you know."

"Not talking about what?" Jadzia asked wryly. She waved over a waiter to bring them all a round of drinks.

She managed to keep her peace for a full hour. She and Nierys joined the game; they had a pleasant time. Jadzia was extremely good at it; Julian was almost tempted to play to his full potential. "So, Julian," she said as she aimed a dart. "Have you talked to Elim yet?" She threw it; it was a bulls-eye.

"Oh, would you look at the time," Miles said. "Really must be off. Keiko probably expected me back an hour ago." Miles still hadn't come to terms with Julian's relationship with Elim; for now, he was ignoring it, probably hoping it would go away.

"Of course," Julian said, fighting the urge to make a face at him.

"I should go, too," Nierys said. She put a hand on Julian's arm before she left. "Glad you're doing all right," she said, giving him a squeeze.

Julian returned her smile as best he could. When they had both left, he was left to face Jadzia. She looked at him expectantly. He sighed and resigned himself to his fate. "Yes, he came by last night."

"That's good," she said.

"Not really," he muttered. He took a sip of his beer. "I think we broke up."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Jadzia said.

Neither of them said anything for a while. Julian supposed she was honoring her commitment not to talk about it, but of course, now that the subject had been broached, Julian felt like he was going to explode if he didn't say something. "It isn't fair," he said. "I'm the one who went through the trauma, but he's the one who can't get past it. What right does he have making this all about his insecurities? None!"

"So he was the one who broke it off."

"Yes." Julian peered at Jadzia, trying to gauge how she was taking this, but her expression, while supportive, was otherwise neutral. "How much do you know about what happened?" he asked.

"Just what Nierys told me," she said. "Look, I know you don't want to talk about it, and that's fine – we don't have to talk about it. Just tell me – are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Truly." Julian sighed. "It was weird and traumatic, but considering what goes on in this space station on a nearly weekly basis, I should be able to manage. Elim's the one who can't handle it."

"Why's that?"

Julian shifted in his seat. "I assume that Nierys told you how the other Elim was...well, obsessed with me. He lied to me to gain my confidence, and then tried to trap me. I think our Elim sees some parallels between that situation and ours. But it's different – I know that my Elim lies to me, and he knows I know, so that's not quite the same, right?"

"That sounds a little...unconventional," Jadzia said carefully. "But if you're okay with the way things are, then I'll take your word for it."

"It's like a game," Julian said. "He gives me puzzles to solve. I enjoy it. And honestly, I don't really _want_ to know every little detail about his past." He also liked that it meant that Elim didn't expect Julian to talk about his own past, but he wasn't about to tell Jadzia that. Elim wasn't the only one with secrets he'd prefer to keep hidden.

Jadzia nodded. "The important thing is that you trust him now."

Julian looked away, rubbing his neck. "Yes. Well."

Jadzia gave him a look. "You do trust him, don't you?"

"I do! Mostly. Like you said, it's unconventional, but I know he wouldn't hurt me. I'm sure of it."

"But he's asking for your total trust."

"No," Julian said. "That's not it. It's more like he thinks I can't possibly be happy with our relationship. That I deserve 'better,' whatever that means."

"What do _you_ think you deserve?"

Julian thought about it. "I think I deserve to be believed when I say what I want."

"Maybe you should tell him that."

Julian slouched over his drink. "I'm not sure it would do much good. He seems to have made up his mind."

"Hm," Jadzia said. "That's too bad. Oh well, these things happen, I suppose." She shrugged as if dismissing the whole issue. "Oh! I just thought of something. I have a couple of friends coming in for a visit next week – there's one who is just your type. You'll love her – maybe you'd like to come out with us?"

Julian gaped at her in disbelief. "I just finished pouring my heart out to you about Elim," he said, his disbelief quickly morphing into anger. "And you want to set me up on a _date_?"

"You just said there was no changing his mind. Seems like you're pretty resigned to it."

Julian's anger deflated when he realized what she was doing. "I am most certainly _not_ resigned to it."

She sat back in her chair with her arms crossed and gave him a knowing look. "Then why are you still here talking to me?"

"Good point." Julian finished his beer and stood up. Before he left, he put a hand on Jadzia's arm. "Thank you," he said.

She smiled. "No problem. Although I never thought I'd have to talk you _into_ relentlessly pursuing someone. Good luck."

It was around 2030 when Julian left Quark's, which meant Elim was about to close his shop. He wondered if he should wait until Elim was back in his quarters, but he decided that a surprise attack might be in order.

The shop was, fortunately, empty of customers when Julian arrived. Elim was kneeling in front of a sewing dummy, a needle and thread perched between his lips as he adjusted some fabric. He looked up at Julian in surprise.

"I want you to listen to me," Julian said before Elim could say anything. "And I don't want any interruptions. Not a peep out of you – do you understand?"

Elim nodded solemnly. He took the needle out of his mouth and pinned it to the inside of his sleeve, then returned his attention to Julian.

"Now I know what you were planning tonight. You were going to invite me to your quarters, and you were going to give me a clever little speech about all of the reasons why we shouldn't be together, and you'd be very tricky and persuasive and before I even knew what was happening, our relationship would be over. But I'm not about to let that happen. This is a preemptive strike.

"You have a great deal of nerve thinking that you can decide what I do and do not 'deserve.' Do you know what I deserve? I deserve for you to respect me enough to decide the risks I want to take. And you know what? If you decide to leave me, I'm not going to sleep with anyone else – not ever again! I won't meet someone and fall madly in love so that you can watch us stroll down the Promenade together, and you can sigh wistfully and congratulate yourself on what a selfless martyr you are, so you can put that self-flagellating fantasy straight out of your head."

Elim looked like he wanted to respond to that, but Julian put a hand up, reminding him to keep his mouth shut. He continued: "You accuse me of not trusting you. Well, all right, perhaps I don't completely, but you wouldn't respect me if I did. I know that you'll never tell me every little detail of your past and truth be told, I don't want to know them. And did it ever occur to you that I have my own secrets I'd prefer not to discuss? Of course it didn't, because you have it in your head that I'm the green young doctor without a suspicious thought in my naïve little head. I'm a Starfleet officer. I'm not as fragile as you think, and I would ask that you kindly stop treating me that way.

"I am in love with you, Elim. I've seen you at your worst, and I love you still. I love how I've finally met someone as curious about life as I am. I love the way you challenge me. I love our debates, and the way you touch me like no one else ever has. All relationships come with risks. I'm willing to take them. And if you aren't, then I suppose you really don't deserve me after all, because that would make you the worst kind of coward."

With that, he turned and left without a backward glance. His heart was pounding in his chest, but he felt good. Now it was only a matter of waiting.

Two days passed. Julian had his full debriefing; it was far from a pleasant experience, but it did feel good to have it all out in the open. The next day, he returned to duty. Still no word from Elim. He was starting to get worried that he'd pushed him too hard, but that night, as he was preparing for bed, his door chimed.

He opened the door to find Elim standing there, holding a lovely white flower. He presented it to Julian. "It's an Endosian orchid," he said. "They used to grow wildly on Cardassian, but the climate has grown too hostile for them. They require special care to properly grow, but their beauty is worth the extra effort."

"Oh. Thank you," Julian said as he accepted the flower. He felt a little awkward. "I suppose I should find a vase for it." He paused for a moment. "Do you want to come in?"

Elim nodded; they entered his quarters together. Elim sat on the sofa while Julian scrounged around for something to put the flower in; it wasn't as if he received flowers on a regular basis. He settled on a beaker he had lying around. He put it on his coffee table and sat down beside Elim.

"So you're here to talk, I suppose," Julian said. He tried to remain composed, but his heart was fluttering in his chest.

"Enabran Tain is my father," Elim said.

Whatever Julian had expected, it certainly hadn't been that. "What?"

"He's my father," Elim repeated. "No one knows except my mother, Tain, and myself. And now you."

"That's...very interesting," Julian said, "but I have absolutely no idea what that has to do with our current situation."

"It's a peace offering," Elim said. "My most guarded secret in exchange for your forgiveness for being such an utter ass. You have to understand how difficult it was to hear how the other Elim treated you. He manipulated you in order to keep you with him, and my dear, I have done nothing but manipulate people to my own ends for most of my life. I am terrified that is what I've done to you. I don't want you to ever feel trapped.

"Despite what I said the other night, I do think you have a great deal of sense. You have a maddening tendency to go _against_ the good sense you possess, and if you want my opinion, staying with me does just that. However, it is your prerogative, and I trust your judgment. And if you can trust _my_ judgment over which secrets I must keep, then perhaps – perhaps we have a chance, after all."

Julian responded by kissing Elim gently on the lips. "I think that sounds very reasonable," he said. He kissed him again, and soon they had their arms around each other.

Elim pulled back briefly before they made their way to the bedroom. "Did you really mean it when you said you'd be celibate for the rest of your life if I left you?"

"That may have been a bit of an exaggeration," Julian confessed. "But I think we need to revisit our policy on sleeping with other people. I think it's a bad idea. We can't be together if you're constantly anticipating my departure. Trust that I'll stay, all right?"

"This is an awful lot of trusting to happen all at once," Elim said. "It's making me a little dizzy."

"Then let's put you straight to bed," Julian said with a smile.

They made love to one another for what seemed like forever. After it was over, they lay in each others' arms. As Julian drifted off to sleep, he found himself thinking of the other Elim. He wondered what would become of him, and if he would ever find happiness. He wasn't sure if he would ever work through the complicated feelings he had about the whole encounter. He knew he would never forgive him. But with as happy as he was right now, he found that he had it in his heart to at least wish him well.


End file.
